Kiss of the Spiderwoman

Kiss of the Spider Woman 

Written & Directed by Bill Condon 

J.Lo I could never hate you, no matter how hard they try. She has been Mother to me since the 90s, and I've always admired her. But I am a professional and her new movie kind of stinks! KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN is a lavish musical remake with competent people behind the camera and a game cast. So why was I bored to tears?

Set during the tail end of Argentina's dictatorship in the late 70s/early 80s, we follow Luis (played by Tonatiuh) into jail where he's bunked with Valentin (played by Diego Luna). Luis is very very GAY, and the performance is very broad almost WILL & GRACE sitcom level territory. He's in jail for being gay and Valentin is there because of his political dissent. 

Lots of talking but with not much being said, eventually Luis begins to retell his favorite classic Hollywood musical, KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN starring Ingrid Luna (Jennifer Lopez). Here is where the film gets some spark, with gorgeous Technicolor and the incomparable J.Lo magnetizing the screen. 

The spark wears off fast though as we the audience are stuck between 2 slow almost lifeless stories. This is one of those movies where my jaw hit the floor when I noticed there was about an hour left to go! There is some semblance of plot but it's mostly meandering with the musical moments not quite being memorable either.

Eventually we get to a place where you kinda think it's going but the emotions aren't quite earned, and the big ending moments just don't hit like they intended. The biggest sin KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN commits is that it's forgettable, but I will always be caught in J.Lo's web.

☆☆ out of 4