Jurassic world: rebirth

Jurassic World: Rebirth

Directed by Gareth Evans 

Listen, I'm not a picky guy. I approach every new movie on its own terms, and take it from there. A sequel is as a sequel does, and even the worst of the worst (something like 1997's SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL) can still be a lot of fun. It's all a matter of perspective, so I don't ever usually subscribe to the "pointless" critiques. The new JURASSIC WORLD, part 7 if you're keeping count, might actually be the most pointless movie I have ever seen.  

Miles away from Spielberg and praise Allah, we have moved on from the abysmal Chris Pratt (the worst Chris) trilogy. This new entry, subtitled REBIRTH, attempts to introduce a new set of characters all set in the JURASSIC universe. We get ScarJo as a mercenary clearly enjoying the paycheck role, there's a gay scientist played by the gay prince from WICKED (Jonathan Bailey) and Oscar winner Mahershala Ali in the background with his own Tragic Backstory of course. There is also a vacationing Latino family that gets caught up in the trouble.

The dinosaur effects look good and some of the action set pieces by ROGUE ONE director Gareth Evans are fun enough. I guess? This is Jurassic Park we're talking about here, even the garbage Pratt movies had some sauce in them. There's no volcano eruption or haunted house here, and not even a whiff of any OG cast members. It does also look excellent, having shot on 35mm film. A shame the same care wasn't put into crafting an exciting original story or memorable characters.

A total nothing burger of a movie with zero bite or narrative propulsion. The thinnest of sketched characters as they all end up back on yet another island that had yet another series of experiments that went wrong. ScarJo and especially Bailey do their best but there's nothing here to save. It's just ...nothing. Even the third act finale completely deflates whatever tension and goodwill they had built up. 

A JURASSIC PARK/WORLD movie, good or bad, should be memorable. REBIRTH should have gone to Planned Parenthood.