Fantastic 4
The Fantastic Four: First Steps
Directed by Matt Shakman
Im exhausted. At first I thought it was a B12 deficiency, or almost definitely Superhero Fatigue. At least I thought that was the case until Superman blew the red trunks off my ass a couple weeks ago. So the skinny is this, what we've known for years now, but Marvel (the "MCU") is totally washed. The latest entry, "The Fantastic Four: First Steps" is a dull, lifeless affair. Slop in a kitschy 60s costume.
Set on alternate retro futuristic 1960s Earth, the F4 are a family of astronauts that get superpowers after a cosmic storm. Don't worry there's plenty of exposition dumps. The problems start right from the get go with the main team being horribly terribly miscast. We love Pedro Pascal but this is one of the worst performances of his movie star career. One note with a furrowed brow, completely devoid of the PP charisma we've fallen in love with. Bizarre choice. Oh yeah he has super stretchy powers, something that is barely utilized in any bold or creative way.
The rest of the cast do not fare better! I also adore Vanessa Kirby, so fun and sexy in the later Mission Impossible movies. But here she's struggling with an American accent and is saddled with carrying the main emotion of the film, to mixed results. She has invisible/force field powers, sometimes fun. Joseph Quinn, so good in last year's GLADIATOR II as a sadistic king, is just awful here. Playing the hothead fire man, he's supposed to be the comedic relief and bring rascally energy. Through his bizarre accent and distracting saucer eyes, everything he did or said made me sigh and sink into my seat.
Ironically enough, Ebon Moss-Bachrach brings the most warmth through his CGI performance capture of the rock man, Thing. Natasha Lyonne(?!) shows up for a couple scenes as his potential love interest, completely wasted here. I wanted to see more of her and Paul Walter Hauser's "mole man".
The 60s setting is all surface level, nothing done to develop the world, this supposed other Earth. We're repeatedly told that the Fantastic Four are the protectors of the world but we almost never see much past the same cheap looking New York City street sets. I kept expecting them to run into Seinfeld!
Cosmic intergalactic gobbledegook, some of which IS quite visually stunning. Blah blah generic plot about the Fantastic newborn baby and space God Galactus wanting to steal him for Reasons. This all felt like I was watching a TV show and not a $200 million summer blockbuster. Oh yeah there's a lady silver surfer who I swear looks worse than the surfer we got over 20 years ago!
This whole thing would've been more tolerable with a better cast, with charisma and fun energy. Everyone is just going through the motions, dull and lifeless. Allegedly Marvel had a hard time casting this movie as no one wants to be fed into the machine anymore. Can you blame them? SKIP IT
☆1/2 out of 4
